Sunday, 30 March 2014

2014 Mother's Day - Mothers Wanted

It's Mother's Day in the UK today. To me, motherhood is a double-edged sword - both the toughest and the most rewarding job I ever had. I keep on imagining what it would be like if you applied for motherhood as you apply for a job:


POSITION TITLE: Loving Mother
SALARY GRADE: Volunteer position, expenses not covered
JOB DESCRIPTION: 
The ideal candidate must be flexible and able to work long hours in 24/7 shifts. She must be able to walk the fine line in between discipline and care, being careful not to over indulge or give the child bad habits as well as being able to teach the child good manners and responsibility. 

This is a long-term (lifelong) position and you will only see the finished product once the child is an adult. Therefore, the candidate must be able to work under stress and under pressure as well as show stamina and being able to not despair or lose hope when the child disappoints her. She must also be able to handle difficult situations, including navigating around playground and high-school disagreements, other people's child behaviour expectations and competitive parents as well as being able to be a neutral friend whenever needed without ever losing sight of the fact she is a parent.
MAIN DUTIES:
  • Overall maintenance of child's health, safety and well-being
  • Looking after the child when they are sick, being able to magically kiss things better
  • Overall educating and teaching life skills for everyday life
  • Cooking, cleaning, ironing, washing clothes, tidying messy bedrooms
OTHER REQUIREMENTS:
  • Surviving pregnancy
  • Nappy changing, feeding, bathing and overall care while child is young
  • Helping with homework and taxing services when the child is older
  • Helping to find a job when the child becomes a teenager
  • Driving said teenager home at early mornings when she/he starts going out
  • Helping to heal broken hearts (without trying to kill first boyfriend/girlfriend)
  • If necessary deal with bullies appropriately (without forgetting you are a reasonable adult and trying to give them a dose of their own medicine)
DISCLAIMER:
Women who barely keep children alive, like starved plants, need not apply. 
So... Would you be up for the job???

Happy Mother's Day to all the amazing women who were and are up for it. 3>


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